Life in “The District” and dudes I have crushes on

“the District” was a show. Craig T. Nelson was on it. It was like the Commish only covered with snot and oil.

He looks like he drinks a lot. I have a crush on him. He’s one of those actors who only seems like he’s acting when he’s shouting. I bought an autographed piece of his neck on eBay for fifty dollars.

Other men I have crushies on:

Harry Morgan. Look at that sly devil. I’d ride on horseback with him if I could.

the wax head of Millard Fillmore. Don’t ask.

Also, I have to admit I’ve always had a crush on Raj and Tommy, these two guys from my hometown:

I don’t know, I’ve just always felt like I had a hot sundae in my pants when they were around.

Things I would like to do with these gentlemen:

-Go to a museum with them and eat in the cafeteria.

-Rowboats

-Stay up all night on the balcony while they try to play me music on their computers, but the computer doesn’t work, so then I play music on my computer but they don’t like it.

-Butt Darts

-I’d like to memorize Elizabethan novels with them and then wander around the forest with some weird pre-hippie hippies and say stuff like “I am David Copperfield.”

Also add to that list my old gym teacher Sgt. Blade

Life here in the District of Columbia with my friend Dread Sheckles is much like you’d expect. Each day I wake up on a pile of money in between many beautiful women. I have each inch of my body sponged and then it’s time to race around town in my Lotus Esprit (a little gift from Sheckles’ dad) and then Alex and I eat food. We watched the new Fantastic Four movie. Sheckles’ always says that I have an overly negative view of modern movies, in particular summer blockbusters. Film fanatic that I am, I’m usually just offended by their choice of film stock or a racked focus shot that’s off by two degrees. Or if girls are in the movie (most girls in movies are played by boys from Taiwan.) Fantastic Four had an insipd plot and two-dimensional characters that have a really simplistic view of life liberty and pursuit. But that’s one hundred percent like the comic book, so it didn’t bother me. The effects looked a little on the Canadian side (i.e. stupids.) Here’s a shot I took while bootlegging the movie:

Things just look a little fake. That’s actually Alex standing in the shot on the right. He wore a homemade costume of his favorite hero, Anorexic Nazi Vampiress.

Anyways, we’re gonna keep partying with champagne and things.

When I say party, I don’t mean this:

I mean this:

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