Yes, readers: I, like you, am just a passenger on this crazy Ozzy Osborne train called life, and I don’t know what Kasheestees are either. I was contacted by the Elders and made to run this message board, and that is my lot in life. But today, inspired by this awesome band I saw last night,
(the MC was really kickin it) I decided to walk around the streets of Los Angeles and ask all the famous ones what a Kasheestee was. I had very mixed results.
Me: Excuse me, famous one, could you tell me what a Kasheestee is so I can write about it on the internet?
Kuato: hm….wha? Sorry, I was slumbering. My host body is trapped in a k-hole.
Me: Could you elaborate on that, Mr. Kuato? How do you feel about the governor?
Kuato: Welcome to Caleefourneeaah! That’s my impression of Arnold. He was fun to work with.
Holy shit there’s that guy! He’s been in a lot of really popular movies.
Me: Wow, you’re looking stupid fat, sir!
Tom Cruise: Thank you. I’m bulking up for my upcoming role as Robert Deniro.
Me: Ooh, snap! Well, what do you think of this whole Kasheestees thing?
Tom Cruise: I’ve been reading your site for a couple of years now, and it’s pretty good. I love it when you make fun of Biff. That guy’s such a fucking shit-face rapist bastard.
Me: What about your views on Scientology? A lot of the public don’t know this, but you actually are a strong Scientology advocate. Anything to say to people about how the world would be better with Scientology as our government?
TC: You know that movie I did, War of the Worlds? If Scientology catches on, we plan to have one of those people blenders running around sucking out people’s juices.
Me: Like in Cocktails?
TC: Yeah, L. Ron wrote both those movies. Backwards. In his sleep.
Then me and my friends went to Hyde and got our sucks ducked.
I am SOOOO tired.
Coming up: A follow-up story on this guy, who seems to have dropped off the face of the earth since he was voted off of Idol. He’ll be sharing some exclusive tracks from his upcoming album,
“Cho’re Gonna Love It!!! (Or die at my hand. Jesus Loves to Crucify Me)”
Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. David Cho is here!!
Pearl Jam is here! G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band is here!! So stick around, we’ll be right back!!!!
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