ISSUES OF IMPORTANCE

Just to give you some idea of what we’ve been talking about around the water cooler today:

First off, I’m in love with Porkins’ new shirt. It looks like the carpet at a casino and it’s dripping with class.

ITEM: BEAR GRYLLS A FAKIE?

Old Derrick Fingers wouldn’t lie to you: Bear Grylls has become a total man-crush for me personally. It’s a combination of his biting the heads off of snakes and at the same time sounding like a dandy fop. An Englishman who’s tough?

But it’s true! Bear Grylls has been through something called British Special Forces, which I guess is some kind of finishing school. He also joined the French Foreign Legion (these are an elite group of French soldiers who don’t surrender; they’re actually trained to fight!) While joining the Legion, Bear went through their ritual of being buried alive and bursting from the ground on the next full moon as a vampire:

Bear is also on television some of the time, with his sitcom, Man Vs. Wild. He wears a button down shirt and does his best to look like Jack from Lost. He runs around in the wild with his pants around his ankles. Even though he’s got a camera crew right there with him he doesn’t ask them for help, he drinks liquid from poop and pees on his own clothes, which we’re told are survival techniques.

After reading ARTICLES today, it has come to my attention that his so-called “survival” may be FAKE! No, I don’t mean that he doesn’t survive, but that he doesn’t hang out outdoors all the time and starve himself to death!

Yes, this was a bit of a surprise to me, as I blindly believed anything Sir Grylls (not official) said. But I’m not that surprised, if you look at the dramatic nature of the show, and especially of the marketing (I’m not sure if it’s as “extreme” in England), it’s totally unbelievable. My real beef is with the Discovery Channel, who has followed the ratings war into shallower and shallower waters and less informative and more sensational shows (Dirty Jobs, etc) and has wallowed in the mire of the History Channel. Good job, boys.

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